Cyrano Had It Easy (a.k.a. The Story of My Nose Part Deux)

My nose is finicky. It’s as mature as a hungry, sleepy, bored five-year-old child. If it smells something that is less than lemony-fresh it has a temper tantrum, forcing me to evacuate and find an odour free area where I can put it in a time out.

My nose is also runny 365 days a year, and my sneeze rate is about two to three sneezes per hour. I live in a state of permanent hay fever.

Summer is usually the worst time of year smell-wise. It is the season where heated garbage cans give off the sweet scents of cooked mould. I can’t even find a safe haven in air conditioned malls - the over chilled air gives me a runny nose.

I don’t know why my nose is so rough on me. Maybe it’s because I sucked at dodge ball. Since the second grade, my nose has never felt safe in a gym.

So my snout has forced me to make some lifestyle adjustments, this kind of disability is an uphill battle. Basically, I must make sure I always have an unusually large supply of Kleenex at my disposal at all times. I also have to pay close attention to which pocket is for used hankies, and which is for the fresh kind (disposal facilities aren’t always at ones finger tips). Also, I avoid restaurants that I know will make my clothes stinky, and I try to weasel out of cooking anything fried or anything with Cajun spices.

This strange evaluation of my nostrils comes from a malodorous accident I had this weekend. I was driving my friend and myself to a BYOB home-style bachelorette party. Because of leg room concerns, we thought it would be a good idea to put the alcohol she was bringing in the trunk - believe it or not we are both university educated. I took a few turns without problems, heard only a little shuffling, and then suddenly, as I am taking our exit, “CRUNCH.” Perfect.

I stopped the car and discovered that the bottle of gin had survived (thank god) but not the bottle of rum. Not the spiced rum. The spiced part adds a sweeter, spicier layer to the rum, making for an almost sticky smell. Captain Morgan will now haunt me forever.

We tried to soak up as much of the liquor, as we could with our one Kleenex. I had recently had a sneezing fit, emptying the box, and failing my nose once again. We did what we could with what we had and drove the rest of the way with the windows down, gagging ungracefully.

At the end of the evening, we returned to a car that smelled like drunk. Not just regular drunk – smelly homeless drunk.

After having driven home with my head sticking out the window, doggy style, I removed the bottom part of my trunk and stuck it in the shower to hose it off. Then, I doused it with Febreze, the fabric refreshner and odour remover. I sincerely thought that would solve the problem. I envisioned the moment where my nose and I would make up.

However, when I returned to my car the next day, it smelt like bar. Which I suppose is a step up from smelly drunk bum. I had taken care of the source of stink the night before, but the fumes from the spilt drink had permeated the plastic inner walls of my car. So I doused the entire vehicle with two thirds of a bottle of Febreze. Finally it smelt morning spring fresh. My nose stopped making my eyes tear: it was pleased.

The next morning, I woke up inhumanly early for an early class. I entered the chilly car and put my key into the ignition. If a nose had vocal cords, my nose would have shrieked. The Febreze and rum had melded into one super smell, creating a strange smoky, mouldy medicine cabinet aroma. My appendage stuck itself in the air in disapproval, sneezes ensued.

For one week I’ve been sticking to a strict regimen of a quarter bottle of Febreze, twice a day. Things have gotten a little better. The car is now getting to smell more like my dad’s liquor cabinet instead of a mutant medicine cabinet.

However, I haven’t quite patched things up with my nose, it’s still a bit resentful for the whole ordeal, and so my sneezing rate is still a bit above average. But I think we’ll make it through this.

If I had any advice for someone with special nose needs, it’s that it’s important to be nice to your nose. Maybe name it, give it something nice to smell from time to time. Or else it might just gang up with various other body parts and start a rebellion.